I have been trying to write this post for awhile now. The title has been in draft since July… for some reason I just haven’t been able to sit and write. I think I have been in denial for a long time about what all happened last year. Everyone called me brave for not completely breaking down during the whole ordeal, but to be honest I wasn’t being brave. I was closing myself off so I wouldn’t feel the hurt of what I was going through.
But recently that tough shell has started to break and I don’t know how to deal with it all. I am not the person I used to be. I am very different in so many aspects of my life that to be honest I don’t know who I am now.
Every Tuesday was Tiara Tuesday since those were the days I got chemo.
Well I am in menopause at 33. Geez, menopause. At first the mood swings were crazy and I was not a happy person. Every little thing set me off. The hormones came in to more balance over time and I have become calmer. My patience especially with the kids has come a long way. I have learned to not let things bother me like they used to. No I am not Mother Teresa, I still have to keep my mood swings in check at times, but have come a long way. The hot flashes come and go. The insomnia comes and goes. Thankfully I have started using essential oils to help me with my sleep and they have been beyond amazing for me and my family. My energy comes and goes. It has been gone a lot recently which is frustrating when you are trying to train for a MARATHON!! I am struggling with my weight. I have put some on since finishing with my treatment and no matter what I do I can’t make it leave again..
I have become so disorganized. I cannot remember things for the life of me. If I don’t put it in my calender right away or write it down in my notebook, I soon forget it. This frustrates me to no end. I get moments where I get such good ideas for blog posts, but later when I have time to sit at my computer I forget what idea I had to write about.. I want to share more about my life and things that happen or things I love, but I usually only have time for my sponsored posts.
My house rarely gets fully clean and organized because most days that is the last thing I can tackle. My energy runs out so quickly so I do what I can while I feel good and have energy, but it goes before I can tackle everything I want to each day… Yet another thing that frustrates me.
I struggle to know what I want to do each day to help contribute to my family financially. My baking business is almost non existent. I have lost my passion for it in a way. I still love to bake, but can’t handle the stress that comes with making things for other people that I don’t know when most expect you to make treats that look like they are straight out of Pinterest. I still love to make treats for friends, but I don’t know that I want to make a full time business out of it again. Maybe one day… I have thrown around the idea of getting a personal training certification, but not 100% on that right now.
Financially we struggle. Our credit cards are mostly maxed out from all the medical bills that we have accrued from my treatment and there are still some that are not fully paid. We get some things paid off and of course there is emergency things that you have to pay for so the credit card balances don’t move much.
To top it all off there is always that fear in the back of your mind that “I have had cancer once…Will it come back?” I do what I can to be healthy, but even last year when I was running half marathons… I had cancer and didn’t even know it. There is nothing I can do to totally stop it and I never know if it could come back somewhere else… I try not to think about it often because let’s be honest I would be a basket case. Anyone would be, so I do my best to focus on the present and my family.
Thanks for listening or rather reading about what I have been going through. I have lots more to say, but I am hoping that by at least starting with this post that it will allow me to release some of the pain, fear, and stress that I have been going through. I am hoping that in some way I will also be able to discover who I am, what I want to do, and where to go from here after having cervical cancer. And maybe by writing about what I went through and am still going through it will help someone else. Life is hard for everyone. Cancer sucks!! But hopefully I will be able to move forward and bring positive change to my life out of something that is so utterly negative….